he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
