My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
