new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
