i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
if only i could text you this smell
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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