So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
