I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
