Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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