if you like me you must not know who I am
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
me + whiskey = a bad person
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
