her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Randomize
