"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she peed on how many people?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
