I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
