I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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