i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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