My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Randomize
