so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
