You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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