I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
