You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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