You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
