seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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