I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
