My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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