Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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