you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
