My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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