don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
