Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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