for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
