Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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