My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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