bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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