Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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