what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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