gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
