His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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