the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
