I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
