The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
