Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
