Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
