i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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