Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
