The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
