I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Terrible idea I love it
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
