I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
