fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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