he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
