somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
