She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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