I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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