I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I supernannyed him into submission
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
